


We're of Two Minds About It

by BryonNightshade



Category: RWBY
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28825164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BryonNightshade/pseuds/BryonNightshade
Summary: Everyone knows about the creatures of grimm-- the soulless devourers that stalk humanity. Very few people know of their more... intellectual side.
Kudos: 3





	We're of Two Minds About It

**Author's Note:**

> "Teaching Qrow" will return as scheduled next week. In the meantime, enjoy some nonsense, inspired by a throwaway line from "Sports-a-thon".

"…and they were _amazed_ that I had been able to tackle such an ancient and dangerous foe!"

Weiss Schnee seethed. Professor Port was fifteen minutes in to yet another extended anecdote. She was dutifully copying down everything that might be remotely pertinent, but with every diversion he took, the more frustrated she became. If he didn't soon get to something good and meaningful, so help her, she would have to _not pay attention_.

Ha! That'd show him.

"…because, as we all know, grimm become more dangerous with age."

Finally! Weiss' brow furrowed as she hung on every word.

"…not just in physical might, but in intelligence. It varies with type, of course—deathstalkers accrue the least additional intellect over time, while nevermores generally get the most. Any grimm of sufficient age, it should be clear, is a treacherous enemy, far more deadly than others of the same type."

Weiss' hand flew across the page as she transcribed almost verbatim.

"Why, grimm that survive long enough are capable of higher mental functions normally only seen in humans and faunus! They are able to plan, lead their lessers, and even communicate with other grimm. The very deadliest are those advanced enough to discuss philosophy."

The lead of Weiss' pencil snapped. Her eyes shot up to her professor. "What?" she blurted.

"Yes, Ms. Schnee?" said Port, looking to her. "Did our true Huntress-in-training have a question?"

"Did you just say something about grimm discussing philosophy?"

"Of course I did! Most grimm don't suffer from existential crises, of course, but the few that do find them crippling. As you might expect, when they overcome those crises, and are able to face humanity with clear minds on our terms, they are amongst the most dangerous creatures on this planet!"

Weiss blinked.

"Why," said Port, turning to resume his pacing with a smile, "that reminds me of one of the times I came closest to Death's cold embrace. My prey was a beringel so old and savvy that, before we did battle, it asked me a question about the hard problem of consciousness. That was the battle that convinced me I needed a second axe blade for my blunderbuss! We join a younger, handsomer Peter Port in the southern reaches of Sanus…"

Before Weiss' unbelieving eyes, he pivoted into a new story.

"He is joking, right?" said Weiss, looking to her teammates for agreement. She didn't get it. Blake was nose-deep in a book that Glynda Goodwitch would have confiscated in an instant; Ruby was face-down in her notes, asleep, with her drool smearing the ink.

"Right," Weiss confirmed to herself. She plucked a pen from her bag and struck out the last few lines of her notes. "He was _definitely_ joking."

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in Anima…

* * *

"Neigh!"

"Look, you say that, but… we didn't start out this smart, right?"

"Neigh."

"We got smarter over time."

"Neigh?"

"So, how can we accept "I think, therefore I am?" We had to exist before we were thinking. You can remember that far back, right?"

"Neigh."

"I can, too. So, we had to exist. But we weren't thinking. Not… _thinking_ thinking, you know?"

"Neigh…?"

"No, that doesn't count. We didn't have consciousness. Birds aren't 'thinking' the way we're thinking. Non-alpha beowolves don't think the way think—and even the alphas make me wonder. I'm sure the person who came up with "I think, therefore I am" didn't have sub-intelligent 'thought' in mind."

"Neigh."

"Huh?"

"Neigh."

"Don't you dare get epistemological on me. The last time we argued about epistemology, it took us two weeks to get out of that hole and we had a spear in our chest before we realized it."

"Neigh!"

"I didn't say it was your fault, I'm just saying we're not doing that again."

"Neigh!"

"Oh… yeah, you're right, I sense them too. Okay, let's go."

"Neigh!"

("Something's coming!" "What is it?!" "My eyes!" "Get it away, get it away!" *screech* "No, get back, get back!" "AAAUGH!" *Squelch, squelch*)

"Ah, much better."

"Neigh!"

"You had to go there, huh?"

"Neigh!"

"That's the thing, though. Are we just mindless creatures of instinct if we go and kill humans every time we have the opportunity?"

"Neigh."

"Yes, I know the number of defenses changes what we call an 'opportunity'."

"Neigh!"

"I disagree. The fact that we can delay or work around instinct doesn't mean we aren't owned by it. We still have this imperative to kill the humans. And we _like_ it."

"Neigh?"

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I just think it undermines your free will argument, that's all."

"Neigh?"

"Oh, _tell_ me you're not bringing up the 'eternal recurrence' again."

"Neigh."

"Because it's all retrospective. Look, I understand the idea. "Live your life so that if you had to do it infinite times you wouldn't change anything." I get it. But guilt and regret are retrospective. Of course you want to avoid them, but eternal recurrence doesn't help you get there. It's an idea without legs."

"Neigh!"

"What do you mean, I don't have… oh, very funny."

"Neigh!"

"Whatever. Look, just take us back to the cave so I can pluck these arrows out of our back."

"Neigh."

* * *

_End_


End file.
